I've blown a few things in my day
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
