Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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