So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
