Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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