I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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