i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
