the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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