So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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