If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
