Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
