Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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