You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
