Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
