Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
