you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All the doctor said was why
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
