what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
