1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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