My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were destined to go to rehab together
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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