This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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