now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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