You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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