So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
