Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
