I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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