Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
