Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
