I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
