Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
