my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
