I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
