You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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