Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
