you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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