Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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