god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
