Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
