my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
