alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
