dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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