Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
