i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
