I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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