Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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