I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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