i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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