The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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