i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this just has baby written all over it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
