I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
