I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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