i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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