I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
